You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The best revenge is premature balding
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
