you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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