I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
