when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
