I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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