thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
