God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
