I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
your like the ambassador to my penis.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
