He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I did not marry a roomba.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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