I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
