o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
