just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
