If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
