I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When did angry sex become our thing?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
