Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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