She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize