guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize