I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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