i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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