Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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