Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
