i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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