That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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