fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize