just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
