Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
