omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Blood and glitter go together right?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
