hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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