All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
