I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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