i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
