I think my fart just growled at me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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