Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
