waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We need to get me chipped asap
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize