The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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