My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
