i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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