it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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