My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
