And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
