Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
