idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
