so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize