My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
