He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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