I'm really into asian looking animals
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
