I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You are a genius and a whore.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
