I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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