Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
