Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
