Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize