I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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