Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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