Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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