why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize