Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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