so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize