Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
