Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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