So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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