My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
