I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
